We laugh at danger..

whoooooaaaaaaaaaa this still exists?!

kameanszero@aol.com — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 00:43:25 GMT

Why hello, livejournal. Seems I forgot about you for awhile....a couple years actually. Quick update: Failed out of Drexel twice, got back in twice. Changed my major from physician assistant, to behavioral health counseling, minor in psychiatric rehab and addictions.. Ended a two year relationship about 9 months ago, which, in retrospect, was a lot of wasted time and dead feelings. Got a new boy, who rules, and sings in two bands..Getting myself back to my roots. It feels good. Living in West Philly rules, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. Living in a house with 3 other dudes is different, in a good way. Oh, and Im dressed up in a skunk costume right now. HAPPY HALLOWEEN MOTHER FUCKERS. Does anyone else still use this shit?

i bombed korea

kameanszero@aol.com — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 01:23:00 GMT

In the past week I have:

Broken my cell phone
Broken my glassses
Overdrew my bank account
Almost totalled my car
Got to ride in an ambulance
Saw Les Claypool

SWEET!

But now...
I got my new glasses
I have whiplash
Im done all my work for my first year of college
Im transferring back to the Cherry Hill mall for summer
I had an interview at Tavistock for a waitressing job
I hope I'll get it.

Phi Sig formal Friday, 3 finals next week, moving back home, more job searching, summer. Cool.

seven more minutes to slide away, somewhere in the sun..

kameanszero@aol.com — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 14:09:51 GMT

Im so busy Im surprised I have time to breathe sometimes. Pledging, super hard classes, and working at the Gap has consumed my life.

Ive given up aim and severely cut down my internet use, so if you want to find me, youll have to do it in some real life kind of way. Ie for example: phone calls, come and find me at Drexel, etc. Im so much happier now that Im not wasting my damn time on the internet. To me its a world that doesnt even really matter. Who is really going to draw some awesome life experiences from something through a screen? No one...Thought so. Sitting my ass on aim listening to other peoples inane bullcrap is not my idea of a real human interction.

Ive been reading kickass books lately, when I have time to: Clockwork Orange, and Im halfway through The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe. I absolutley love it.

I am overall very happy right now. I love my life and although there are little parts that need tweaking, Im okay with being just a little off kilter.

PS, I love Nickie Anderson ;)

..and now happiness is all the rage..

kameanszero@aol.com — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 16:46:42 GMT

HT was nice, no one was home for the most part, I realized how much Im changing and how much my hometown doesnt. I guess thats a good thing, that Im moving forward and growing up. Its still nice to go back to good old HT every so often, though. Its comforting to know that some things stay the same. It strange to see how your definition of home changes once you move out..even if its just to Philly.

Im pumped for this upcoming term..even though classes are going to kick my ass. This is the LAST time I have to take english, biology, or chemistry again. THANK GOD. After an entire year, I am so ready to be done with all my general bullshit classes. I find out if I got my apartment soon, and I start my 'new member period' in Phi Sig tomorrow. Summer is almost soon, and my boyy will be home with me even sooner! I dont mind that Drexel has trimesters, because I live so close and he (and whoever else wants to) will be able to come and playyy with me! I feel really good about everything.

I cant wait to see the hilarity that will ensue this summer. Daniel Pierson, better get ready buddy.

Thats basically it.

remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me?

kameanszero@aol.com — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 01:59:34 GMT

I am now in Phi Sigma Sigma =)
I just have to go through a few weeks of pledging after spring break, and then I'll be a sister by Greek Week!!!!

I have a new fish at school, his name is Mozart and hes awesome.

Spring break is soon, Im done for this semester. Finals week shouldnt be too bad, hopefully.

I have never been happier with who I am, in my entire life. And that means so much to me.

Remember it all, the beauty as well as the flaws. L-O-V-E L-I-F-E. - Atmosphere.

I get a little bit closer to feeling fine..

kameanszero@aol.com — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 00:38:52 GMT

Things were bad, now theyre getting better, and Im pretty happy with the way we are. I think he is too.

3 more weeks left in this term. Dear God, please make finals a LITTLE easy.

Next term is going to kick my butt. Drexel, why do you have trimesters?

I am 87% sure I want to join Phi Sigma Sigma. I only have 2 more events til I find out if I got a bid or not...

I need warm weather again.

I think Im going to cut my hair again? I dont know how short.

Kelly C Stewart, I love you. Random, but true.

I want to go to Bonnaroo. Baddddly.

Im a war, of head versus heart, and its always this way.

kameanszero@aol.com — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 20:51:46 GMT

I really am okay. We talked a little more, and we decided that we both feel the same way. This is a bump in the road that we've got to get past, and the only way its going to get passed is if we do it separately. The way I see it is the bump is too big to crawl over while holding someone elses hand, I have to let go of his hand for long enough to scramble over.

We both know that if we could see eachother and be together, we would have no doubt that our relationship would be excellent. When we're together, I feel normal and I feel absolutely complete. He's said the same thing about me, and hes starting to change, I can feel it.

The next 37 days until I see him will be focused on some serious "me" time. I havent had that, ever. It should be nice.

Its just weird not talking to my best friend every day, or hearing his voice that often. After a year and a few months of talking to him each and every day, and having his voice be the last thing I hear every night before I go to sleep to not even speaking to him has created a huge void. Hopefully that will get easier. The other part thats really hard is accepting the fact that things might not ever be better. But, he even came to me and said he is realizing how hard it is to live without me. He said that every story he has to tell and everything he does reminds him of me. That made me feel so much more optimistic about things, because this is what I wanted. By taking huge drastic measures ie breaking up with him, I hoped he would realize what he was taking for granted.

I just really need to rely on my friends during this time, cause its really hard right now and theres no denying that.

Heres to hoping.

blind to the fact that the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down.

kameanszero@aol.com — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 16:35:15 GMT

Its over and Im alone. Its too hard. I cant give him anything else thats not broken, and giving him something thats broken isnt fair. Im still numb but I can feel the knots forming in my stomach. We can "be together when we can see each other", but I know he'll find someone better down there.

I'm just fine.

Dont ask me about forever cause right now Im feeling lost.

kameanszero@aol.com — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 00:57:44 GMT

This past year: Bad decisions, good choices, incredible happiness, being on my own, love, pain, happy times, growing into myself for sure.

I pulled a 3.45 this quarter, Im hoping for over a 3.5 this winter.

I feel like Im at a fork in the road and I really, really dont know which path to take. Theres more than two different ways, and it makes everything more confusing.

Two days from now, it'll officially be a year that Ive been with him. Going to North Carolina to visit Tommy at Elon til Monday, big road trip, I need a change of scenery, big time.

Im miserable and complacent and happy all at the same time, I dont know. Back to Drexel Monday night. 2007, new year, I need a good start. And thats not really what I got. But I'm willing to work with what I can.

I miss you sometimes. Everyone, interpret that any way youd like.

Tonight I will redefine everything and tomorrow I will start in on my better days
and so each their own definition of happiness.

No one even reads this shit.

kameanszero@aol.com — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 07:10:34 GMT

40 hours later....... and Im spent.

and im just tired enough, if i close my eyes, ill sleep for days.

kameanszero@aol.com — Mon, 11 Dec 2006 00:24:50 GMT

Full
circle.

Im a busy bee.

kameanszero@aol.com — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 21:04:59 GMT

Ahhhh so it wasnt bad. He gave me the bubonic plague and we were sick all week, so nothing changed. He has yet to give me a birthday present (and Ive been 19 for an entire month). So that hasnt changed. But it was just nice to be next to him, near him all week. He comes back in 2 and a half weeks for like 3 weeks, which makes me a very happy girl. Things are still confusing, but less confusing? Who knows. All I know is that this stress and confusion like basically made my stomach ulcer come back into full swing, but towards the end of the weekend my stomach felt fine. So maybe that means that things have worked out. I dont really know. I do know that I love him. And that he reciprocates wholeheartedly. So thats a start.

kameanszero@aol.com — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 16:53:55 GMT

nervous.

kameanszero@aol.com — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 15:42:47 GMT

Usually Im pretty good at not letting it get to me. I stay optimistic, and focus on whats coming up. But sometimes, it just creeps up on me and it hurts so bad. Its so hard, and I hate it. My stomach is killing me and my chest just hurts. I guess thats what happens when half of whats in your chest, half of your heart, is 447 miles away..

EDIT:
Hilariously ironic that I said that..and a few hours later, my whole world gets turned upside down. The previous entry just goes to show how fucking clueless I was to seeing that this was gonna happen. 8 days and now he cant DO IT? Its just "not working for him?" What am I even supposed to do, he says he still loves me, but he cant possibly love me if he knew how bad he hurt me. Im going to throw up, my eyes are so swollen therye almost stuck shut, and I cant eat. After a whole fucking year. A YEAR. Wow. Awesome. Fuck.

DOUBLE EDIT:
So we're still together, Im an idiot, Im so confused, I dont know what to do with myself. I feel like Im putting my balls on the line and theyre just gonna fucking get chopped off.

When its time to party we will always party hard.

kameanszero@aol.com — Thu, 12 Oct 2006 18:48:36 GMT

Life is good.

Classes are super hard
Ive been studying really hard
And partying harder
I loooove my friends
and Tommy comes home tomorrow!!!!!

I LOOOVEEEE my Drexel lovergirls.. (my roomie is Amanda, on the right..)

Yeaaaauuuh playaaa.

kameanszero@aol.com — Sat, 23 Sep 2006 16:32:54 GMT

saying that i love college would be a serious understatement.

why does my heart always beat before yours does?

kameanszero@aol.com — Sun, 17 Sep 2006 03:11:44 GMT

Two more full days and one hour and 5 minutes left of waiting to move into college. I honestly cant wait. I probably wont update this much anymore. God I'm boring.

kameanszero@aol.com — Sun, 10 Sep 2006 18:45:56 GMT

9 days til move in
33 days till I see my Tommy

I have to hold on just a little bit longer.

DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANY WAY THAT I CAN MAKE MONEY IN THE NEXT 9 DAYS? I need to make as much money for school as possible, and I need something to do. Im not really sure if there IS anything I can do, but I'll even wash dishes I swear. I am free from like 4:30 (after I get off work) til whenever..Puhlease please please post with ideas.

SAD DAY

kameanszero@aol.com — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 15:00:22 GMT

RIP STEVE "CROCODILE HUNTER" IRWIN

The stingray that stabbed you in the chest with its barb is an asshole.

The crocodiles and I will miss you dearly.

kameanszero@aol.com — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 19:03:28 GMT

My life is just one big countdown now.

3 days til NYC with Drexel girls.
11 days left of work.
20 days til move in.
25 days until classes start.
44 days until Tommy comes home
56 days until my 19th birthday...

life goes by so damn quickly

kameanszero@aol.com — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 12:55:04 GMT

26 days til move-in day. Come on Drexel, hurry up.

I get to see my Tommy in twice as many + 1 days. I miss my best buddy to death already.

Leaving his house last night was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do..there just so many unknowns. I am so sick of people telling me we can't do it.

I cant say Ive ever felt this many contradictory feelings at once.

kameanszero@aol.com — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 14:00:21 GMT

miserable.

i cant get the sick feeling out of my stomach.

and he hasnt even left yet. tomorrow night is goodbye.

its too hard already.

447.63 miles is so far.

How soon is now?

kameanszero@aol.com — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 13:16:53 GMT

-One month, 9 days until college.

-Within the next 15 days, all of my closest friends will be gone.

-Its such a weird feeling.

-Im probably definitely going to pledge for a sorority when I get to Drexel.

-Tommy and I are staying together, even though hes going to be 8 hours away, in North Carolina. Its going to be so hard.

-Im going to go full time at work, run every day, and try to keep myself occupied until September 20th.

Yeah.

ch-check it out!

kameanszero@aol.com — Wed, 26 Jul 2006 13:12:32 GMT

I look so asiaaannn in this one! and Tommy is flexing his muscles.

B Pep Crew fo lyfe.

Awwww Timmyyyy.

My boyfriend swears he is Derek Zoolander.

<3

Anyone want to hang out sometime?

chin up chin up til it touches the moon..

kameanszero@aol.com — Mon, 24 Jul 2006 14:07:37 GMT

Something like 7 weeks and 2 daysish until college. Move in day = Sept 20th. It might as well be 10349834 years away.

Tim leaves in less than a month, Tommy leaves a month from today. Its terribly upsetting.

I am going to have no friends once everyone leaves.

Summer of ska tomorrow.

We're going to the Warped Tour. Hahahaha.